Nobody Knows

How am I inside.. a flashback of events triggers my condition. A tear willing to be gushed out, to release the pain, and to believe by myself once again. Nobody knows. How I push myself, how I bare the challenges.. I hide something nobody knows.

I am not who you think I am..less some one out there thinks differently. I never am the one you call me to be. I never will.. I don't like to be called this way. Let's keep the part a secret. How I wish I could do that.. How I wish I could ever do that.. But who shall I be, torn?.. totally divided..

How can I be two opposite things. Seems crazy, but I am.. Insanity might kill me some day. I take back, I don't want to be involved in morbid things. But heck I am two opposite things, anthropomorphic and misanthropic.

Let's start with the latter. I guess I've been this way eversince I entered Panema. I've been crazy eversince I entered that place.. totally crazy. I remember how I sleep when the clock strikes 8. and I awake at the wee hours of the morning, either 2,3 or even 4. I know now that it isn't only me working that time. Getting back to misanthropy, I realize how I've been raised differently. Too different I call myself in between what's in between. Sounds redundant isn't it.. but that's the way it is, that's how it should be some times. Things need to be repeated over and over. . I analyze too much.. that may be my problem. That may be the cause of me being a misanthrope -but for some times. I am hopeful that things change.

Anthropomorphic as I was and I should be, just giving out fresh buzz everywhere, from anyone nobody cares who, your status,age, sex, religion whatsoever. Let's just talk about things and how you see them. Let's talk about plans, dreams and unusual things. Let's keep on talking with no hesitation. Not minding connection, not minding position. Helping people, inspiring them and giving wistful advice. Might be mistaken as a psychologist, guidance counselor now I don't care.. i just laugh all the way. I request to take this back.. this part of me I miss so much..

So I get back to reality. That Nobody knows my true identity. I hide so much even to my own blood. I can't blame myself for this, though I try to explain.. things aren't this easy to explain nor even easy to comprehend.. given the facts.. relying unto the uncertain and the unseen. let's just go beyond everything that's given.. kick some luck, kiss some tragedy..cuz nobody knows.

Consider Rejection, Life is Beautiful

They just reject themselves. He never rejects them, they just stop maybe because they feel hopeless. They feel this way maybe because he placed them in a very difficult situation. And they don't know how much she's worth. Because she does not reveal herself just like that. And so they won't take too much trouble, they'll rationalize as much as they can how and why they didn't pursue, yet at the back of their minds they know, they know that there's something in him you can't find from others.Yet he admits how others never really felt anything--those who only limit themselves to the common known 'great'. They never dare explore, cause they don't have enough guts. And so there they lie, onto the crazy cycle. Some at first see the potential, though they hesitate. Because they see contradiction. And then it gets into their nerves, which makes these potential seeker cease their endeavor. one of those, he who stood out, maybe at present feels a streak of regret, mistake or maybe even shame he met this kind of absurd creature. But things shall fall back into their proper place, the absurd creature should gratify all those he met. From the beginning til the end, because everyone marked a space in his heart.
As there are those who limit themselves to the common known great, of course there exist a being who we don't know if yes he is someone who dare explore, or just similar to the absurd creature placed in a sudden elevation of environment. Because of environment constantly changing, it shapes him. It makes him realize how there are different beings on earth. It shapes him how to understand every individual he meets. Sometimes he fails, having followed who he thought a bright star. Yes the bright star shall remain bright as he is, but the absurd creature should keep in mind his personal vision, 'To fly beyond the distant star'.
The answer shall not matter as long as the latter met creature adhere to his calling from above. If and when the above envisions the absurd creature and the latter together. If he adheres, the absurd creature shall believe how the latter would love the absurd creature more than the absurd creature shall begin to love him. Everything should fall in its place. If and when the above envisions this.
The above knows what's best, he has inexplicable plans nobody can tell. And that's the beauty of life..

The Balance of Bliss and Sadness

I've filled my days helping out my parents in our hardware store. It's been the answer to one of my questions, at least the questions I've raised have lessened, even just for a bit. I'm trying to connect the present life to the future. a promising future how i wish i could savor. the longer I wait, the more I value this opportunity. It's not all bad, I should say, the connection of the present to the future is so strong I could feel it. Everything seems intertrwined, ways you know done by the one above. I can't help but feel bliss.

In the moments I feel bliss did you know that I've undergone a series of indirection? Doing something out of your course, following the superior, longing something out of my league- something which will forever lie hanging, smething I will long for- forever, but hopefully not. the supernatural shall save me, he shall make me realize one day why things turn out this way. Probably I have an idea why, it's just quite hard to accept it this way, I'm trying to reach perfection..

And they totally intertwine, the second i reach bliss, sadness seeps in, and the vice versa. For most things balance is the key. To appreciate bliss, sadness must be felt, then vice versa again. It's a round world we have here,

When a Tear Drops By

I don't wanna say goodbye
nor do i wanna say 'hi'
if i could freeze things
savor the moment we spend together

how i wish
that things could go my way
that what i believe is true
but i can't truly decide what i want

and i admit i don't know if that's what i need
so let it be
leave it unto spirituality
but i will do my part
when i feel such divine intervention

and when things happen to work.
but for now
sleep,
sleep like a mad bear

sleep on it like nothing is happening..

A Sparkle of Hope

Though locked in my own reality, i feel there's a sparkle of hope. I feel the hope I get from above, the hope I wish to receive daily. I never rely on my own strength, thus I need to have a little bit more of faith. My transition from before was caused by faith, therefore I believe in a sparkle of hope. I do not depend on faith alone. But who says I can do it alone? A little bit of this and that is all it takes, the best of both worlds would make us great.

I know He would like what's best for me, to succeed right here and beyond. The suffering the pain is fitting, a little bit lacking before, sometimes too much so hard to withstand and i giess it has to be just right for now. i feel it, embrace it and am thankful that i'm experiencing it. cause i believe that there is no happiness without experiencing sadness. No glory without pain. No success without failure, and the list goes on.

Please sustain the sparkle of hope I have within me, to believe in myself, and develop my weaknesses as much as i develop my strengths. make me act how i need to, react how am supposed to, and make me know what to do in situations that could impact in my life. i leave half of myself unknown and unable to be shaped by myself unto you. shape me, develop me, make me grow into the person you wish me to be. And the sparkle of hope will remain forever..

Clear vs Blur

It's 3am and everything blur is struggling to be clear again. Before some incident, things used to seem clear enough and I could feel bliss at that time. I forgot how blissful I was, all I remember was security and a 100% confidence from what I have. Some things just tend to slip away. It's right when they tell you, ' If you don't use it. you lose it'. So I'm trying my best to use my abilities now even if I am actually in 'hibernation'.

I dream to myself about how my passion changed me. As I would better like not to admit it, Yes I was academically a mediocre before I stepped into my career. Even if I knew my dream at a young age, struggling for academic excellence did not capture my attention as I became more interested in the said 'big rocks' in life. Little did I know that 'Big rocks are composed of small rocks', and this was soon realized only until I started applying for scholarships for College.

I wanted to attend a University even before I got myself a diploma in a vocational course. Of course, attending the course was never a regret even if it took me into several anomaly situations. Making this decision will forever be relative to whoever I'm talking to and the real reason should be forever kept from the public from this day on.

I start to realize how I wear masks after all I experienced and the people I met too. I can't hide how I was different from the people I was dealing with, but fortunate enough I met a few good people who share the same with me, and Yes finally I get to say that I am thankful for having met them. After much more unfortunate than fortunate events, slowly I began to have my own preferences in life and this actually gave me my identity.

This identity of mine still is 'under construction'- it is still building itself but like an architect, I have yet to promise a better me. Time takes it all, it rebuilds everything that was torn and broken. The blurness should soon be erased and hopefully everything would be clear again.

Buliding Myself Once Again

I just wanna write. I just wanna let it all out. The feelings inside of me. The anxieties seeping through me, the fears, hesitations, power, drive and everything in between. I've seen people who seem to have been living their life. I just see myself from them, I see a part of me living life, the parties, travels and everything underneath. But below the surface lies a soul unaware of the other meaning of living. A soul who wished how he could have done less of the initial meaning of 'living'(parties, travels) and more of focus on the latter.. What's missing in every individual? Each distinct being has his own missing living, the one that makes each and every one of us step out of our comfort zone. For some, It may be making an effort to phone call an unloveable brother. Could be having to sit all day and study by himself for another. Resisting an unwanted lover just for the other. Controlling temper for some. Sending a thoughtful gift for another and so much more.. I just hope I don't sound bitter from my words. Maybe I am, but I'm glad I still think that I'm living my life. That even if it sucks to say that my life right now doesn't seem exciting like before, I'm totally happy. I'm happy cause I witness the growth in me. That I get to envision something out of the glorious plan he has. And when I remember what my Dad used to say: ' The beauty of Life is it's uncertainty', my bones are filled with chills. Chills of hope and joy.

08.08.08

What can I do? Oh it's 888.. seems like a sentimental day. Should I do something?
To do something or not, today sure marks a period in my life still. Could it mean an end of a story? Even I don't know. Slowly I've been putting together pieces of me that were torn. Some pieces got misplaced and so i had to buy new ones to replace them.. but it's all good... better..I just don't know yet how the new me would look like.I sure hope what I picture in mind would be more or less the same with the one I'm building right now..

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Heart torn-yet i dare dream.
peculiar being, wondering what's in between.
Don't know how much this is of reality
prolly leave it unto spirituality..

This is the medicine that has probably cured me
saved me from some sort of uncertainty..
emptiness has been filled
don't know what can sustain

Of course there's got to be spirituality
Some more of romantic humanity,
and a lil bit of family.
I guess i'm working on the former and the latter

So let's leave it a mystery
That the in between would soon be more than wishful thinking
And soon become a story..

Dry

Everyone feels dry once in a while
whether it be economically, emotionally or physically
All the more it drives me to try

Some psychopath I must be..
That's why am fond of reverse psychology
To make things uneasy

Well good thing there's family
Who makes me feel lucky and happy
So for now I guess i don;t need some apology

Yes I appreciate what life has to offer
But i'd just wish i could do better
Not just sitting around with some letter..